Staying-up

作者: PuzzleSong (迷宮組曲) 看板: feeling
標題: Staying-up
時間: Tue Aug 30 09:11:38 2005

"It's not your fault, honey." She had had me in her arms kissing my tears away while saying those words. "They are the truely dirty beings, instead." It was the first time in my life that I talked about the violated by cousins for two years since a three-year-aged little girl, after we're together for years.


Staying up all night with screens of The L Word in my room all dark, I can't endure, at this moment ultimately, anything more about the tears dropping down through my face, which have been forcing me to face sorrow all alone.


Should I be glad that finally I found the TRUE reason why I'm so absolutely sure that I both CAN'T and WON'T fall in love again in this life? It's not due to my illness, my sorrow, my unstableness or any what but simply because of hopeless toward love and human being.

I had myself clearly seen by me, myself. So what? Still am I a dirty bitch! Ever since then, I was meant to be a dirty bitch with all my fault ever and a day.


It was all my fault. As my cousins ejaculated semen into my mouth and ordered me to swallow it up again and again, they said it's all my fault and that's the punishment just right for me. It was all my fault. After my girlfriend failed in making me drowned in making love, she complained it's all my fault that I can't enjoy a pure love-making either with orgasm or making her orgasm again and again. It is drastically all my fault that I WAS and AM keeping on loving her after suffering happened once and once again.


It's a good name, THE L WORD, I have to say. Ｌove betrays as Ｌust comes. Ｌovers' honeyed words are totally Ｌies as one hugs tightly saying "It's not your fault, honey."


It suffers that love still exists after hurt takes plece time after time but I just can't help.